Incinerating Ideas & Thoughts

There are lots of things that is happening in one's life and sometime you are just overwhelmed by it. Therefore you need some external motivations when your innerself are running out of ideas to perk you up. Just to share, for me what I watch in the telly or even the movies that really has an impact to me is used to motivate me. This is because to me it teaches life lessons.

There is this one friend of mine that said to me why am I being to analytical of the movies or anything in the telly. In addition to that why am I to emotional about it. Well it is just plain simple that what ever happened in the movies or the telly has some reality to it. For example the all time favourite type of story is from rags to riches kind of story. Do not you just love it? I believe that this kind of story really close to my heart because it tells you the trials and tribulations that one has to overcome before one can enjoy success. One of my favourites is "Homeless To Harvard". The story really make me feel ashamed of myself of the way that I act towards trials and tribulations. I let my tantrum get in the way. Maybe this is just because I can group myself as one of the privilage people in this world.

This morning after Sahur, I am unable to sleep so I decided to flip through my cable to see anything interesting on telly. As I was flipping, I stumbled into this movie called "Hunt For Justice". This is story is a about the crime against humanity that happened in Bosnia. Watching this movie was a rather an emotional experience for me. I was unable to contain myself from crying. It is just so sad to see the suffering that the citizen of war has to face. But what really intriguing is that how could a man, which God has given the brain to be able to think what is right and wrong and also differentiate them from animals, could acted animal like?

A great story by my definition is a story that is able to make me care to feel what the characters are going through. Just a one man's opinion is to be more sensitive towards your senses when watching a story. This is because if you are opened enough, you would be surprised of the things that you would be able to learn.

Today was a rather special day because after sleeping on a very uncomfortable mattress for over a year, I was able to buy a brand new spring mattress. Although it is quite expensive but I told myself I deserve this because of the hardwork that I put into in my job. However as I was laying on my bed, I started to wonder do I really deserve all of this?

Maybe it sounds weird to some of you even I also have the difficulty to make sense of the question. The thought came about when I look to what is happening in the world now. It saddens me that I sometime have things that are not a necessity but more towards public validation when someone at the other parts of the world have not even enough of the basic things in life.

I do feel guilty when I am at certain times acted ungreatfully towards certain things. But maybe just because as a 'privilege' and 'lucky' human being to be born at the part of world where everything was presented to you, we tend to be rather spoilt.

What I am trying to convey is that, try to be greatful of the things that we have and cherished everything that we have. Sometime we will notmiss it untill it is gone.

How quick time flies when you are not paying attention? It finally hit me that the holy month of Ramadhan is just around the corner. As a matter of a fact, tonight will be the first night that we Muslim will start to do our Solat Tarawikh.

The significant of this month to me is that this will be the second time that I will be fasting in Bintulu. This also indicates that I have been here for over a year now. There are many life lessons that I have obtained here.

In this holy month it teaches us to be, how I usually put it as, well-behaved. I admit it that I am not the ideal Muslim as what God and also the prophet expect each and every one who utters the syahadah. However, I am working on it. Althought I have bumps on the road, I am trying my best to overcome it and make sure I am not bumped off the road.

This Ramadhan really excites me in the sense that I am so eager to do as much of ibadah as possible. I wish that all my sins would be washed off during this holy month. Let all of us pray that we would be more closer to God and also become a better Muslim in and also after Ramadhan. Insya-Allah.

It has been a while since my last entry. This is because for the past a couple of weeks, there had been a lot of things that happened that has a big impact on my life.

It started of with the passing away of a prominent figure in my organization. Many would have thought that what is the big deal? People come and go as what is promised to us by God. However what shocked me the most is the way he died. I am still a little bit haunted by it. On the other hand it really woke up me that life is not full of sugar and everything nice. Sometimes you would face a little saltiness and spiciness a long the way. That is just to mix things up.

Many would say why am I so emotionally involved with this tragedy? The person is not even my family. The more appropriate question to ask is it wrong to feel what the person's family is feeling? How would you feel when such a tragedy happened to you? I believe it would give a sense of comfort that someone else is showing empathy towards you.

There is this vision that keep going through my head. What if this tragedy happened to my family in the Peninsular and I am here? How would I react? How I would feel? Will I ever be able to move on? Basically I have no answer to this questions, which makes me really scared.

But what angers me is that how could a human being which God gave the most powerful privilage compared to the rest of the living being which is the mind, would do such a thing to another human being? Who gave us the right to take another's life? What had happened to us? Why is it easy for us to end one's life rather than cherish it? Is not one's life is as valuable as ours? This can be seen in the world today where people just start war out of nothing. God, I am so angry!! When will this ever end? Please someone give an answer!!

I am just really out of answers and lots of question require answers. Is it hard to live happily and peacefully?

(People do not want to listen to what I say)

I know I seriously need therapy but I really need to get this out of my system. People tend to expect me to listen to every single 'advice' that they gave to me and expect me to change to what they think it is right. But when the tables are turned, they become fucking defensive. I try to be opened to every single fucking thing that they 'advice' me cause I know I have some attitude problem. Is it too much to expect the same gesture in return?

That is why I do keep my opinion to myself because I do not want to create any tension in the friendship. However when people continue to give their so-called opinions and mine I have to keep, it is driving me fucking crazy.

I believe when people say something they need to mean it. This is because words are easy to be spoken but action to live up to the words are hard to act out. Therefore please becareful what is uttered because it reflects who you are

If a close friend would come up to me to ask for an honest opinion, most of the time I would twist the truth. I know it is not a good thing to do but I had to. There is a saying, "Once Bitten , Twice Shy". Well that basically wraps up everything.

There have been a lot of experience personally that people did not react as they should be. When they came up to me they would start the conversation that I am an open person and I listen to criticism openly. What a load of crap! They would behave defensively or became angry or act fucking annoying the next time we meet.

So, the BIG FUCKING QUESTION IS,

That is the reason that I conclude that for most of us, we are just living and walking poster boy/girl for HYPOCRITICAL. Most of us we would say that we could handle the truth but when it is time to face the music, we became the opposite of what we say.

Recently, I found out that my theory is almost there. I was being honest with this guy and the reaction was really the opposite of what he had said to me that honesty is the best policy and he is opened to any criticism.

So when people say that they do not like hypocrites well to me it is just one plain BLAH! However that perception is only after they have shown me that they can behave as they should when it is time to face the music.